Taking Chances [Kev/Sio]

[Zen]

Two days before the Turn's End Voting

Podrell

It hadn’t been an easy decision to make, even if it was the only thing that felt right. And yet somehow it felt wrong as well, with the vote so close. Which had led to more time of wavering in his resolve, a time of deep introspection until he reached a point of certainty. For so long it seemed like he hadn’t really known just what he wanted from life. Podrell wanted purpose, meaning, but it had eluded him for the most part. There had been small moments, mostly with his family, as in the time he tended to Lepixi while she was ill, but between those moments? There was a restlessness in him that he did his best to quell. Giving his focus to his work in the glasscraft helped for short periods of time, but it never lasted. His work did not leave him satisfied enough. He only continued because he hadn’t known what else to do and following in his father’s footsteps, doing what would please his mother, had seemed like as good an option as anything else available to him.

He had been called to Mavros, he had thought for the Lordship, but he had been wrong. If the Hold wasn’t where he was meant to be, then perhaps it was time he gave the Weyr a chance. It was still such an unknown factor for him. He still knew so little of dragons, of life in the Weyr, and there was no guarantee, nothing he could plan for or work toward. Becoming a candidate meant giving up control, letting the cards fall where they may and adapting to whatever hand he was dealt. And there was a new challenge in that, even as it terrified him. But if his time with Siorreya had taught him anything it was that the fear meant he was doing something right, because remaining safely in his comfort zone would hardly give him the challenge he was seeking.

The delay wasn’t ideal, but he had to hope it would be enough to prove to her how serious he was, how sorry he was, for not understanding, for letting her walk away without a fight. It hadn’t been as difficult as he thought it might be, after finding the candidatemaster, to have his potential as a candidate reevaluated, proven over again, as he certainly wasn’t about to ask Maz’ru to vouch for him. To leave behind everything he’d ever known and step fully into a whole new world in which his future rested on the choice of an infant dragon was wild. It wasn’t something he’d ever imagined doing, and yet here he was. It wasn’t just for Siorreya, though if it hadn’t been for her he certainly never would have taken the chance. It was just as much for him, it had to be, in the end. He could never have justified it otherwise. One didn’t just become a dragonrider on a whim. It wasn’t like joining a craft. There was no backing out once you were in, no changing your mind. It was a commitment like nothing else on Pern, and it was a commitment that could very well cost his life. But the thought had occurred to him, what if a dragon was what he had been missing all this time? There was still so much he didn’t know about them, about being a rider. How could he pass up the opportunity to find out?

Everything was moving so fast, there were points when he wondered if he was being too rash, too impulsive. Had he really thought it through? He’d never had to wonder such things before. He’d always thought everything through. Even as a child, he had always planned, prepared. But where had that gotten him, really? Did he have anything worthwhile to show for it? For once, maybe he should just go with his gut, do what felt right, and just… see what happened. Everything in him resisted it, grasped for some semblance of control, but there was a different sort of freedom in letting go. Siorreya had taught him that too. It certainly hadn’t been easy, letting go, and likely would have taken him much longer if his time wasn’t running out. But if he wanted to show her that he had heard her, prove that he was choosing her, not as a consolation prize if he didn’t win but above everything else, he needed to act before the vote took place. He needed to complete her sharding dare.

There was only one thing left for him to do, he only hoped he was right. He had to be right. There was no other explanation, was there? As he headed for her weyr, he hoped she would actually be there. His only other option for trying to find her was to hang about the dining cavern around meal time and hope he caught her there, but after their last encounter… he would much prefer a more private place to speak with her. There was so much to clear up between them, but if they just talked, surely they could settle things? Fix things? Maybe just once she could actually be honest with him instead of hiding behind games, now that he was making it clear that he was choosing her, that he wouldn’t leave her after all. It might not be an easy conversation to have, considering how they’d left things, but it was worth fighting through the discomfort because they could come out better for it in the end. Reaching her door, he paused only briefly, drawing in a long breath before he knocked. Faranth, please just let her be here.

kevna

[kevna]

Siorreya - Green Amagetith

There were sketches everywhere; her side of the weyr was a mess, and it matched her perfectly. She was holding her charcoal and glaring at the empty page, willing some sort of muse to enter her and exit out by way of the page. She growled at it, threatening, but still nothing came. She tossed the charcoal and page onto the floor rolling onto her back and staring at the weyr ceiling. Could winter be over all ready? Maybe it was time for a trip to Southern. Yva and Ceela had mentioned wanting to go… So had Kekoa, but she would decidedly not invite him. The last thing she needed was his watchful gaze and all-knowing attitude ruining her fun. Amagetith had grown bored long before now, and had disappeared to go play in the ocean. At least she could swim in this weather. Sio would love to swim.

A hair tickled her nose, and she scrunched the nose trying to dispel both the hair and the itch. It didn’t work. She huffed and sat up brushing her long bangs out of her face and unknowingly leaving a trail of charcoal from cheek to forehead. Her long hair was in a messy bun, but much of her hair around her face had fallen out long ago, framing her face, and constantly annoying her. She was considering fixing it, while at the same time also wondering what mischief she could get up to, when the knock at the door caught her attention. Her eyebrows rose. It was like Faranth was supplying her with entertainment, though she hoped it wasn’t in the form of Kekoa.

Podrell wasn’t even on the long list of possibilities that ran through her mind as she opened the door. So when it was him everything seemed to freeze, her whole body stiffening. This was most unexpected, and she couldn’t even fathom why he would be standing at her door. She blinked. Then blinked again, her eyebrows descending as her body responded to the rush of anger and she turned away from the door, simultaneously throwing it so it would slam in his face.

“Not interested.” She muttered, walking away from the closing door and heading for her riding gear.

Want to come and get me? We can go for a ride.

Not Igen again! Her dragon practically begged.

“What? No!” She growled, throwing her hands up in the air, because of course that’s exactly where she was thinking they could go.

[Zen]

Podrell

Podrell was optimistic, he was sure after they talked they could work things out, but he was also a realist and he didn’t expect it to be easy to make her listen to him, considering the way they’d left things. She was a most stubborn woman, after all, and prone to arguing with him simply for the sake of it, so he couldn’t imagine having a real reason to argue would make things any easier for him. But he wasn’t planning to give up so easily either.

So when she opened the door and seemed to take a moment to take him in before anger became clear on her features, he was already raising his hand and prepared to stop her from closing the door on him again. She flung it shut, and if he hadn’t already been prepared he might not have caught it, or slammed his fingers in it. Not that he couldn’t have just opened it again, apparently, as she was muttering to herself and walking away, so she hadn’t been planning to lock him out, at least. He barely caught her words as he pushed the door back open, steeling himself for an uphill battle.

He hesitated for a moment before stepping inside, because entering her quarters when she so very clearly did not want him there felt like he was violating her space, but she was never going to listen to him after their fight if he didn’t take bold action to make her. They needed to talk, and he wasn’t going to back down until they did. So he closed the door behind him as he moved into her weyr, watching her storm off and exclaim something, though it made little sense to him. He shook his head and pressed forward, “You’re not interested in how I stole your win away?” He had to catch her attention, her interest, make her listen, and so he simply said it, “I dropped out of contention for the Lordship.”

He let that statement hang in the air for a moment, watching her, and shrugged the shoulder he had pointedly worn his white candidate knots on, “I moved into the candidate barracks yesterday.” It was quite a dismal place, honestly, cold and damp, and with next to no privacy at all. He was not looking forward to staying there for the foreseeable future. “I’m not done playing, Siorreya,” he told her, and shells he didn’t think he ever would be done playing, not if he could keep her in his life. “So truth or dare? Choose or you forfeit,” he challenged, hoping it would be enough to keep her from just leaving him there. She could very well escape on Amagetith’s back where he could not follow. He had both truth and dare ready for her, but he wasn’t sure if she would bite or not, and if not he’d have to try a different tactic.

kevna

[kevna]

Siorreya - Green Amagetith

She gasped, whirling, only then realizing she hadn’t heard that satisfying slam of the door as it closed on his face. She was warring with her anger and her curiosity at both his unwelcome entrance and his words. He was trying to play another game. She wouldn’t let herself get sucked into it. “Get out!” She puffed furiously, waving him away, moving to turn back and find her flying gear, and freezing at his next words, mid turn, her eyes rounded and locked on Podrell’s face. It was like an ice-cold water bucket had been dropped over the fire of her anger, and she was in utter shock. She replayed he words in her mind. He had to be lying. She shook her head, confused and frustrated, those old companions coming back to plague her.

Why in the shells would he have gone through with it? The dare had been to push him away, a purposeful challenge that would secure her victory. It was his dream to be Lord Holder. He had said so himself. The passion he was looking for. “What?” She said a little unsteadily, even as her eyes followed the movement of his shrug, and she could clearly see the knots in place. But.. But he had been so disgusted at the idea! That reminder seemed to wake her back up and she shook her head forcefully, as if to shake off whatever effect he had on her, her brows screwing down again. “Not done? You mean with my senseless games?” She said with a low, mocking voice, her hands coming up and gesturing to herself. His ultimatum stoked the fire and she growled. “You can’t do that. You already forfeited, you said you were done! That is had all been a mistake. So, what is this? What game are you playing now ? Because it's not one of mine.” Her voice had risen, and she fought to control her breathing. She had thrown her hands up, but now she was twirling away again, even more intent on leaving. Escaping. She grabbed for her jacket and gloves, checking in with Amagetith. The green had paused, every feeling Sio was feeling was affecting the green, and she had stopped her approach.

What are you doing?

Maybe you need to talk, like music man thought.

I need to leave. Please, Ama. Now!

Okay, okay, I’m sorry. I’m coming.

It couldn’t be fast enough.

[Zen]

Podrell

She ordered him out but Podrell ignored it and his words seemed to have the desired effect. His admission of what he had done, how he had fulfilled her dare, had her staring at him in disbelief and for once she didn’t seem to know just what to say. He used her moment of shock to move closer, but it didn’t last long. She threw his words back at him and he flinched to hear them again, not that he hadn’t been expecting it. He felt terrible for the things he had said in anger, things he had been so wrong about.

“Siorreya, I’m sorry,” there was nothing he could do but apologize in the face of the cruel things he had said to her, “I was wrong.” Regret edged his tone as he watched her grabbing for her jacket, clearly intent on leaving, his words coming out in a rush because he didn’t want her to leave without hearing what he had to say, “You caught me off guard and I said things I didn’t mean because I was… I was confused. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I was wrong. Siorreya please... talk to me. I know I hurt you but you hurt me too, and you know it, because that was the whole point, wasn’t it? That doesn’t make it right, that doesn’t excuse what I said, and I wish I could take it back. I never… never want to hurt you.”

He took a few more cautious steps closer, “I haven’t forfeited… and the mistake was letting you walk away from me without trying to stop you. I don’t intend to make that mistake again. What this is… is me, realizing how much I want you in my life. You couldn’t be, if I became Lord of Mavros. I can’t… I can’t trust myself around you, to act how a Lord ought to act. But I can’t imagine being here, having you so close and so out of reach… I can’t imagine my life without you in it.” It felt so odd to say, considering how little time they had spent together in the grand scheme of things. He didn’t know how she had come to mean so much to him in so little time, but she had.

“You were right, Siorreya. I was so easily distracted… because I don’t have the passion to be Lord Holder,” he paused because it was a difficult thing to admit, even though he had already come to terms with it in his mind, “It isn’t what I want… not anymore. Chasing it made me a man I wasn’t proud to be. It made me turn my back on you when I shouldn’t have, more than once. I don’t want to be that man for another day, much less for the rest of my life. I want to be better. I promise, Siorreya… I’ll be better.”

kevna

[kevna]

Siorreya - Green Amagetith

She didn’t let his apology land, because it didn’t matter what he said or how convincing he said it, he wasn’t trustworthy. He wasn’t her friend. His admission of being wrong didn’t land either, because she didn’t need to hear him say it to know he didn’t mean it. Was this just a way to get back into her bed? Was he sorry because he got caught being himself for once? She put on her jacket even as he let loose words one right after another. Shards, but they sounded so genuine. Had G’der ever sounded that genuine when he had come visiting, apologizing for staying away so long, apologizing for leaving in the first place, for hurting them. The pit in her stomach ached, shards how it ached.

See, he thinks you should talk to him too. Her green said softly, concern evident in her voice.

She blinked, his hesitant steps bringing him closer to her, and she realized she had paused, listening to him and her green. The ache in her stomach was wrong. She had been wrong about it all along, it wasn’t embarrassment, it was more, and it terrified her. He terrified her. He was good. She kicked off her slippers and put on her boots less gracefully as she didn’t want to sit on the bed. It would be too vulnerable, too intimate with him so close. How had he gotten so close so fast?

Her body had betrayed her again, slowing as she listened, as if it wanted to believe him, and her brain was on overdrive absorbing his words and tone and trying to glean an true understanding, because she didn’t understand what he wanted. What he really wanted. Was this some sort of revenge of some sort for distracting him? Did he want to make right and then lull her into complacency before leaving? Did he think she would let him do that to her? Everything he was saying sounded like he wanted her, but… she knew better. Her anger had lost it’s fire, but the smoldering burn was still there, it just let her calculate better. 

"I promise, Siorreya… I’ll be better."

It was like a trigger, those words, awakening every moment she remembered G’der begging with her mother, and even more recently G’der’s desperate attempts to reintroduce himself into her life. There was a mix of fear and confusion, anger and need. Amagetith was close, she’d be through the entrance in moments, but Sio lashed out all the same, trying to sound firm, desperately trying to feel the words she was saying as she turned back to him.

“Stop, Podrell, just stop. I’m not interested in your apologies; I don’t want you to be better or do better, and I don’t want your false promises. You’re right, I caught you off guard, and for once I saw the mask fall, and that was the point. I just wanted to see you for who you really are, and I did. It didn’t surprise me, it didn’t hurt me, and I don’t expect or want anything from you. I let you see me for me too, now we're even. I don’t understand why you are trying to convince me of something I know you don’t want or feel, but shards just stop! I'm not interested.” Her hand came up and cut, trying to accentuate the stop. She had done her best, but she had still sounded heated, a little afraid, but Amagetith was there to save the day. She would just mount up without the saddle, they wouldn’t go far, maybe the lake?

“We had some fun, and that's all it was. But being a dragonrider was so obviously disgusting to you, so stop lying and just go, and leave me to it. Leave me to my games and my antics, and I’ll leave you to your politics.” There was mild desperation in her voice, and she tried to cover it with a frustrated growl as she turned and moved toward the green, walking past the saddle completely. What had she gotten herself into? Why did she have to feel this way? How had a little fun turned into this mess?

Why are you afraid? Did he threaten you? I would never let anyone hurt you. You are mine. Her voice was so steady, and sure, and concerned. 

-if Pod doesn’t stop her, then he’ll see her mount up.-

[Zen]

Podrell

She was still readying to leave, but she wasn’t stopping him, wasn’t interrupting him to argue… that was a good sign, right? She was listening to him? He had no reason to hide how he felt anymore, nothing holding him back, so he didn’t. For once he could be completely honest with her, and he was, hoping that honesty could inspire honesty from her as well. There were so many signs that she felt something for him that he had put off as wishful thinking, reading more into her words or actions than was actually there. He couldn’t say how deep those feelings might run for her, but she at least cared about him in some way, he was sure. She liked having him in her life or she wouldn’t have tolerated him there for so long. There was more to them than lust.

But when she finally turned to him and spoke, it was quite clear she didn’t believe him. False promises? He shook his head, trying to stop her there, “They’re not-” but she pressed on, as intent on saying her own piece as he had been. She thought those cruel, indifferent words were who he really was? “No, that’s not-” he tried again but she went on, heedless of his attempts. He didn’t believe for a moment that what she had shown him was the ‘real’ her. She was carefree and fun loving, not spiteful and mean spirited. It was only a form of armor she had adorned herself with to protect herself from what had seemed an inevitable pain at the time. But why was the truth so hard for her to believe? He didn’t think he had hidden his affection for her all that well… clearly he hadn’t because Asirikai had seen right through him. So why couldn’t Siorreya see it? Hadn’t she noticed the signs he had shown, as he had noticed hers? She might have dismissed them at the time as well, but now that he was finally being honest, didn’t it make sense?

”...being a dragonrider was so obviously disgusting to you…”

Was that how she had read his disgust at her dare? He could remember it quite clearly, the feeling her dare had given rise to, but it hadn’t had anything to do with her daring him to become a candidate and everything to do with her asking him to give up a dream over a game.

”I’ll leave you to your politics.”

Was that why she didn’t believe him? Was that why she had thrown so many digs at him over being a politician? She thought he was using the same tactics on her that he did while he was playing the political field? She had outright accused him of lying, and that she could believe that everything he had just said was just some fabrication to manipulate her made him feel physically ill. Had he really come off as such a liar? He couldn’t remember a single time she would have seen him playing his political games to think so lowly of him. He twisted words and bent truths when he needed to, he knew that, but he never outright lied. But this was exactly what he had meant when he said he didn’t want to be that man anymore.

Amagetith had arrived and Siorreya turned toward the green, but in a panic he intercepted her, grabbing for her arm to pull her back around to face him. He couldn’t let her leave thinking everything he’d said was some grand, cruel lie. “Siorreya look at me. I was never disgusted at the thought of being a dragonrider. You misunderstood… as I misunderstood what you were asking me. It had nothing to do with being a dragonrider. I just couldn’t believe you’d ask me to give up what I wanted most-what I thought I wanted most over a game. I’ve already accepted candidacy… there are no more politics for me. Siorreya I would never say any of these things to you if I didn’t mean them. I’ll admit, I wasn’t completely honest with you before. I was masking how I felt because I didn’t think it could last and I thought it would hurt less when I finally had to let you go. ‘Some fun’ wasn’t all it was, and you know it. Please… stay.” He reached for her hand, trying to figure out how he could make her believe him, “Why do you think I’m lying to you? What can I do to put your mind at ease? Talk to me.”

kevna

[kevna]

Siorreya - Green Amagetith

Amagetith was her safety, and suddenly it was ripped away as Podrell’s hand found her arm and pulled her back around as if she weighed nothing at all.

"Siorreya look at me."

The sudden anxiety and anger not her own, as well as the audible warning growl emitted from the small green, all on top of her own emotional turmoil caused a disorientation that had her responding to the intense demand. Her eyes met his hazel eyes, and for a moment they were back on that beach with her grudgingly admitting that his eyes were one of her favorite things about him. Shards, that’s where it had all gone wrong. The first mistake.

She tore her eyes from his, looking to the side, unwilling to keep looking, as his words droned on. She could hear him, but she couldn’t listen. She had asked him to stop and here he was being ever more convincing, twisting her very perception, putting it in a kinder light. Every word he said only seemed to drive home that she couldn’t and wouldn’t trust him. She couldn’t do this here, not with him, and she was shaking her head roughly, trying not to let the words affect her, chanting liar liar in her head to drown out the noise.

“I would never say any of these things to you if I didn’t mean them.”

Those words caught her attention, and a vision of her mother came to her, the promises she had given and broken, meaning to or not. His begging for her to stay, to talk to him, reaching for her hand was all so convincing. She jerked her hand away and took a few steps backwards toward her green. “Why should I?” Everyone leaves and everyone lies. “Even if you were telling the truth, I don’t want anything more then fun, and I very well can’t be whatever it is you need. You were right. This was all one big mistake.” Those words had been Asirikai’s first, hadn’t they? His warning. She twirled, and ran from him, clamoring up onto her bonded. As soon as she was settled the green launched herself out of the weyr and up into the sky. She cursed the lack of saddle, the lack of freedom to travel far far away. She would have Amagetith circle Mavros a few times before returning to apply the flying gear. He would be long gone by then, and she would have to consider the next big issue.

Podrell was a candidate. At Mavros. Shells.

[Zen]

Podrell

She did look at him, but only briefly, and as he spoke she began to shake her head and he could only imagine she was continuing to deny that there was any truth to be found in his words. Why couldn’t she believe him? Podrell wished he knew just what he had done to make her mistrust him and his intentions so much. It couldn’t just be their fight, could it? There had to be something more. What if Asirikai had said something to her, planted some doubt? He wouldn’t be surprised, but he also didn’t think Siorreya would allow herself to be manipulated by him like that.

When he reached for her hand, she jerked away, put distance between them. Even if he was telling the truth…? Was there maybe a small part of her then that might believe him, or want to? But her next words had his brows descending in confusion. She couldn’t be what he needed? What a strange thing to say. He very much would like to know just what she thought he needed if she wasn’t it, and maybe that’s something they could have talked about if she wasn’t suddenly running away again. But this time she caught him off guard and reached her green before he could do anything to stop her, and to be honest from the way Ama seemed to be upset he wasn’t sure he would have risked it anyway.

If he was upsetting her enough that Ama was growling at him, perhaps it was best he let her go for now. He didn’t mean to make her upset… but perhaps he was pushing too hard, too fast. He didn’t believe she meant it when she said it was all a mistake. He couldn’t believe it. Maybe she did just want it to be ‘some fun’, that was possible… in which case maybe his admission of his feelings had been too much. Maybe he’d been a bit too intense? He had just been so sure she felt something for him. He had thought his honesty would draw the truth from her as well, but instead she had withdrawn further from him, unable or unwilling to believe anything he said.

He sighed as he watched the green launch into the air, running one hand over his face and through his hair. This hadn’t gone at all as he thought it would, but he had dropped rather a lot on her. Maybe if he gave her some space to process it all, they could have a proper conversation about it? He didn’t understand why she had gotten so upset or why she was so convinced he was lying to her, but it only served to make him more determined to talk about it with her. With nothing but his confusion to keep him company in Siorreya’s empty weyr, he turned and made his way out, reluctant, casting more than one glance back in some vain hope she would return before he left. He considered staying, waiting for her, but he really didn’t think that was a good idea right now. So he left and let her have the space she clearly wanted. He had plenty to think about and sort out himself anyway, but he wasn’t at all ready to give up.