I'm Sorry for Your Loss [Azora]

[Rhush]

Srunae :: Gold Danovelith

Srunae had attempted to discreetly walk into the creche, but it was more challenging than she had imagined; within moments the goldweyrling was swarmed with children ranging from toddling age to almost the age of candidacy. Some clamored for the attentions of the two gemgliders on her shoulders, others clamored for her attention, asking about impressing a queen and chattering about when they impressed their own dragons. She tried to give them all at least a moment of her time, but when one of the overexuberant children knocked into the little basket she had on her arm, the woman sent them off to play with one of the crecheworkers, sighing tiredly as another came over and patted her on the shoulder, peeking at the blanket-filled basket the beastcrafter cradled.

"I'm sorry about that dear - they like visitors, especially dragonriders. What can I do for you?" Srunae chuckled wanly and shook her head, running her free hand through Floret's mane before she could get grumpy about the offending hand on her seat.

"Oh it's alright, I understand their excitement. I'm looking for Azora, actually. Is she around...?" Srunae smiled warmly, and the older woman nodded, though her expression fell.

"Ah, I take it you heard about her...?"

"I did... I... wanted to check up on her. We're friends." Srunae supplied, glancing down the nearby hall for a moment while the crecheworker seemed to consider her options.

"Alright then. Azora's room is down that hall on the right; her door only opens when she comes out to go to the bathroom or eat nowadays, so be careful not to miss it." Srunae nodded and settled little green Floret back into place on her left shoulder while big blue Zeek curled up on her right shoulder. "Thank you; I'll try not to cause so much of a stir when I leave." She smiled brightly again before the other woman waved her off. The goldweyrling turned and headed down into the passageway, only then allowing her face to fall more appropriately. She had wanted to come sooner - Orana had passed away more than a sevenday ago now - but she had needed to help A'zael first, and then the following days were demolished by final weyrling lessons, goldrider lessons, and goldrider duties. Srunae hoped somewhere in the back of her mind that Azora had gotten the time to herself she had needed; she had heard about the ordeal with her father, and while A'zael was a wherryhead when it came to such things, Srunae knew that while the child likely had needed time alone to process everything, she didn't need to be left alone forever. Even Srunae, who far preferred to work through her problems alone, knew she needed someone to lean on sometimes...

Zeek rubbed his cheek against hers and Floret warbled a note of concern - it was hard not to pick up on the tension around the room that had to be Azora's, even in the silence and without using her gift. Something awful had happened to whomever lived there - anyone could feel it. Taking a deep breath, Srunae knocked on the wooden door with a gentle hand. "Azora? It's Srunae - Is it alright if I visit with you for a little while?" She paused and listened, wondering. "I've brought you something?" Srunae could never replace her mother, but... she wanted to at least try and ease the child's pain.

The goldweyrling knew what it was like to suddenly lose a parent.

Zen

[Zen]

Azora

She didn't know what to do, what she wanted, besides her mother back. But she did know what she didn't want. She didn't want dumb adults whispering about her loss, or even dumber kids NOT whispering about it. She didn't want the stupid looks they all gave her. She didn't want their stupid words. She hardly even knew any of them. She didn't care about them or what they had to say about anything. She just wanted them all to leave her alone. Or she had at the beginning anyway.

Now... now she was lonely. But she didn't want any of the crecheworkers or the children they looked after. She didn't want her stupid father either. She didn't know him any better than the crecheworkers, and he had made Fath bury her. She didn't know what she wanted, besides to not be alone anymore.

Hugging her legs, face buried against her knees, Azora sat on her bed in the relative quiet. Every so often a sound from some of the kids down the hall would reach her, but she ignored them, lost in thoughts of her mother. She'd always wished she was a rider, despite Orana's protests that she wouldn't be able to spend nearly as much time with her if that was the case. She thought about the kids that didn't even know their parents, or barely did, and seemed just fine despite it. They'd never have to feel this way.

She hugged her legs tighter against her, angry, angry that she had to feel this way, angry that she didn't know what to do to stop it, angry that her mother had inflicted this on her when she could have, should have just gone and been a dragonrider. She should have left her in the creche like so many other kids, maybe visited now and then, and then she wouldn't have to hurt so much, because she'd already be used to her not being there. She'd always thought she was so lucky... but she was wrong.

She felt like crying again, and hated it, and was glad that she didn't seem to be able to. She'd cried so much she was pretty sure she didn't have any tears left. She wondered if she would ever cry again. Hopefully not. Crying was stupid. It didn't change anything. It didn't fix anything. It just made her eyes burn and her nose run, and that was annoying. She sniffled, settling her chin on her knees and staring at her closed door for a long time, her mind going mercifully blank for a time. She jumped at the knock, frowned, glared at the wood, waiting for some stupid crecheworker to try to get her to come out for some dumb activity.

Srunae? Her glare fell away in her surprise at hearing the woman's voice on the other side of her door. She continued to stare at it in silence for a while, unsure what do to, what she wanted. She hadn't thought about Srunae since her mother died. Srunae wasn't a dumb crecheworker. She was nice. And she was a goldrider. Could... could she say no to a goldrider? She was a bit at a loss. And she'd brought her something? Vague feelings of curiosity interrupted the numbness that had started to take over, but she fought it. Did she think a present would make up for her mother's death?

Making a face, she debated for a moment longer, “Fine.” She fell back and pulled her blankets up over herself so that she was covered completely. She was conflicted and she wasn't sure how to deal with it, so hiding from it seemed a decent option.

[Rhush]

Srunae :: Gold Danovelith

The silence seemed to stretch on forever, and Srunae began to wonder if Azora was awake. Then, a sound. The goldweyrling smiled softly at the child's tone of voice, and Zeek hummed from her shoulder as she slowly opened the door. "Just fine? I can always come back later, if I'm imposing," She teased gently, closing the door behind her and taking in the young girl's room. It was relatively dark, save for the glows that provided some light from their baskets in the corners, and the bed was smack dab in the center, the blankets and pillows all bunched up around the small figure in the middle of the mattress itself. Srunae sighed. So this was the view her mother usually had when Srunae hid away from the world? What a pitiful sight...

The goldweyrling crossed the room to Azora's bed and sat at the corner of it, patting the mattress as if to coax the child out from her hiding spot. "Have you been eating?" Srunae knew the crecheworker she had spoken with earlier had mentioned the girl had been eating lately, but the beastcrafter felt like she would do better to get it from the horse's mouth. She sat the basket down next to her on the bed and began pulling out cloth, initially producing a ripe redfruit and setting it onto the bed next to her, and then soon after pulling out a meatroll. As she continued this process, Floret, shortly followed by Zeek, glided off of her shoulders and took to examining the lump of blankets, pillows, and child with interest, warbling and cooing as they poked at blanket edges and Zeek tentatively climbed a pillow. She doubted Azora much cared for being considered a curiosity for pets, but Srunae found it to be rather adorable.

"They're worried about you," Srunae chuckled, "Me too. Let's see... I have a bunch of snacks..." She finally pulled out one small, speckled egg, and gently set it back into the bottom of the basket atop a small cushion. Sitting before her was a series of quick eats - the redfruit, a meatroll, a sweetroll, and even a slice of bubbly pie - little treats that she hoped might help to brighten the girl's mood, even a little bit. "And Zeek and Floret have a present for you." She set the basket down on the bed, and Floret immediately left her explorations to clamber up in the basket and turn the egg, humming gently. Zeek, on the other hand, was pulling at an edge of blanket near the pillow he had climbed on top of, exploring the strange land of fabric and fluff. 

Zen

[Zen]

Azora

She heard the door open, close again. Azora wasn't entirely certain what 'imposing' meant, but as the woman had said she could come back later if she was, she supposed it had to be something like 'bother'... she could come back later if she was bothering her... that made sense. Everything bothered her. She just wanted to sleep forever because at least in her dreams her mother was alive sometimes, in between nightmares of truth. But Srunae was already here so she might as well stay for now. She was still vaguely curious about whatever the woman had brought her, but she wasn't ready come out of her hiding place just yet to find out.

There was a weight on her bed, so Srunae must have sat down, and Azora curled up tighter under her blankets. Srunae asked if she'd been eating and she shrugged instinctively, then after a moment realized the woman could not see her so a fat lot of good that did. She hadn't eaten at all for the first two days, but eventually the hunger pains grew more severe than the emotional and drove her out of her room to seek nourishment at long last. She still hardly had much of an appetite, but she ate enough to keep the hunger at bay. “I'm fine,” she insisted, when she wasn't.

Light weights landed on top of her and things began prodding and moving around. It took a lot of effort not to push the blankets off and get a look at what was happening, but after a few long moments she recalled that Srunae had a lot of pets and some of them must have come with her, especially after they started making noises at her. She closed her eyes tightly against the desire to see what they were. Were they firelizards or those new fluffy things? She had wanted one of them so bad....

Srunae spoke again and with a huff, Azora finally pulled a bit of blanket aside in attempt to peer out at her, but instead was met with the sight of a blue fluffy creature. She simultaneously wanted to pet it and hide from the desire to do so, because it just felt wrong to enjoy anything at all with her mother gone. It felt like she should be unhappy forever, or it would be like she never loved her mother at all. So instead of reaching out to pet it, she wiggled a bit more out of the blankets and turned toward Srunae with a frown at her mention of snacks.

“M'not hungry,” she mumbled even as her traitorous belly rumbled an objection to the outright lie. The green fluffy caught her attention as she climbed into the basket Srunae had brought along with her. Zeek and Floret had a present for her? She pulled her blankets up to her chin and huddled there, unsure how to respond to that or just what to do. Finally her curiosity got the better of her, “... What is it?”

[Rhush]

Srunae :: Gold Danovelith

Fine, huh? Srunae thought, picking up the sweetroll and taking a bite out of it as she considered the lump of blankets her blue gemglider continued to explore. The goldweyrling had a massive sweet tooth, and she would be the first to admit it - needless to say all these sweets were tempting her beyond the point of ignorance - which made it even harder to believe the girl when she said she was fine. But what could Srunae do? She couldn't force the girl out - it would only push her into an even tighter ball - the woman would have to tempt her out then. "I've got some bubbly pie," The beastcrafter said conspiratorially, swallowing another bite of the sweetroll as she patted the bed beside her. "Fresh too. The kitchen woman wanted to make sure you had a nice warm piece..." 

Her coaxing seemed to work, and Srunae chuckled as Azora peeped out from under her blankets in an attempt at telling her she was not hungry. Her stomach rumbling said otherwise, and the goldrider picked up and held out the redfruit for Azora to take. "I think your body says otherwise," She said, "Here - and I promise, whether or not you eat it, you're going to want it." The goldweyrling smiled mischievously and gestured to the basket, where the little egg had started gently moving under Floret's careful ministrations. Zeek soon joined the green gemglider in her humming, but the blue continued to poke around with Azora's blanket while doing so, more interested in his newfound ability to get under the fabric than in watching someone move around the bed. "Come on - I can't hand you their present now, you have to see it for yourself." 

The girl looked a mess - not that Srunae had expected any different - her hair was rumpled into a tangled brown mess, and her face was streaked with dried tears and red marks from laying on the raised creases of her bed sheets. The poor child couldn't have been out of her bed in a while, the goldweyrling surmised, even to eat. The beastcrafter could take some comfort in the fact that the weyrbrat seemed interested in at least one of the items she had brought - she was coming out from under the blankets of her own accord in order to check it out, at least.

[Zen]

Azora

Azora's frown deepened as Srunae held out a redfruit for her and called her out on her lie, though when she said she would want it whether or not she ate it herself she became even more curious. So she took it and scooched herself a bit closer as Srunae indicated the basket. The humming of the gemgliders had her gasping excitedly in spite of herself. Humming meant hatching. Srunae had brought her an egg?

She felt almost sick with such conflicted feelings. She had wanted a gemglider from the first time she saw her father's brown, and then Rau's gold the very next day. But it seemed like a dumb thing to want right now. Right in the middle of all the feelings was frustration, and that's what she settled on. Here she had thought she had cried out all her tears, but there her eyes went blurring with them again.

She wiped at them, sniffling, as she crawled out of her blankets to press close to Srunae and peer at the green gemglider and her egg, “It... it's for me?” The smell of food in the air got the better of her and she took a bite of the redfruit before she even realized it. Her tears of frustration still threatened. She shook her head, trying to figure it all out was so confusing, “I don't think I should... I don't... I really want it... but I... I'm....” More frustration, because she didn't quite have the vocabulary to express herself properly.

So she turned and buried her face in Srunae's shoulder as a few tears managed to slip past her defenses, “I don't know what to do.” She hated admitting that, but at this point she was beyond caring. She needed help, she couldn't find her way out of this on her own, but she'd never been very good at asking for help, stubbornly trying to muddle through on her own. Usually she managed, but she wasn't this time. It was too big, too heavy, for one little girl to carry by herself.

[Rhush]

Srunae :: Gold Danovelith

Srunae watched quietly as Azora scooched closer, and then gasped and drew herself completely free of her blankets. In taking her leave she half buried Zeek, who let out a startled squeak and peeped back out from under the blankets to watch the smaller human press close to his Pet. After a moment, he ducked back under the furs and went back to exploring, humming as he went about as an ill-defined blanket lump – which made it rather difficult for Srunae to keep a straight face as Azora settled next to her. She nodded confirmation at the girl’s question, “It certainly is,” Srunae smiled lightly as Azora subconsciously took a bite of the redfruit while considering the egg. Good, she was out of the blankets and even eating; that was a much needed first and second step done…

And... ahh, there it was. The goldweyrling steeled herself, raising her empathic walls higher for the weyrbrat’s sake and listening as the girl grappled with her words, seeming to be trying to turn down the egg, but wanting it all the same. Azora buried her face in the beastcrafter’s shoulder and Srunae drew her arm out to wrap it around her in a gesture of comfort. “It’s alright,” She said gently, “No one expects you to know what to do all the time; you’re allowed to ask someone to help you.” Srunae smiled at that thought, recalling how Azora’s father had helped her with her lack of knowing what to do. She then glanced thoughtfully at the slowly moving egg, momentarily gauging how long she had before the little one would break shell before she continued. “Losing a loved one is never easy, but I can only imagine how hard it’s been for you to lose someone who’s been such a constant in your life.” Not to mention the only person you really knew where you are now… She thought, pulling the girl closer in a half hug and setting her sweetroll down to brush her other hand through Azora’s hair. “And I bet you feel guilty as much as sad, huh?” Survivor’s guilt was an entirely normal thing, but for a young child it had to be something overwhelmingly awful to deal with, let alone by herself…

“But here’s a question,” Srunae said, a slight smile in her voice, “Would your mother want you to be locked in your room in the dark? Or to not eat or play with your friends?” Here she gestured to the little wiggling egg Floret stood next to, and the green gemglider cocked her head to one side, eyes whirling a multitude of colors. “Would she want you to be unhappy?” While Srunae had never met Orana in person, she doubted the woman would have desired her child to be so depressed over anything, let alone her death. She had sounded like a fantastic mother, who cared deeply for her child and wanted nothing more than to ensure her happiness and future… and the best way to help Azora move forward would be to help her understand that.

Zen

[Zen]

Azora

Srunae told her it was all right to ask for help and she shook her head stubbornly. She hated asking for help. Everyone already seemed to act like just because she was a kid she couldn't do anything by herself, and she hated doing anything to reinforce that thought. But the woman's arm around her was comforting. As much as she'd been pushing everyone away, what she really needed was the contact of friends. She sniffed and rubbed at her eyes as Srunae went on, pinpointing her guilt at the thought of moving on with her life without her mother in it. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right.

She shook her head again, because she knew Srunae was right without a doubt. Her mother would never want her to be unhappy and to close herself off like this. She would... she would be so disappointed, and sad. She wiped at her eyes once more as more tears welled at the thought and she glanced blearily back at the basket and the rocking egg. She'd about talked her mother's ear off about how she had wanted one of the fluffy little lizard things since she had first seen them shortly after their arrival at Mavros. Orana had told her not to get her hopes up, because they were apparently very rare and it was unlikely she'd get a chance to have one any time soon. But then she'd met R'get, and he had a gold, and she was sure she could get him to give her an egg if they became friends.

Orana had done her best to hide her amusement when her daughter had revealed her plan, taking on a scolding note as she told Azora that she should not make friends just so she could get something from someone. She remembered all the times her mother had warned her that pets were work, as well, a responsibility, and not just a living toy. It was a life you had to care for, and should not be neglected. That was fine with Azora. If she could prove she could take good care of a fluffy, maybe she could be a candidate. She'd take the best care of her fluffy, and her dragon. Her mother would want her to be happy, even without her, even though it still seemed wrong to Azora. Maybe she could try. She wouldn't want to make her mother sad, and she was confident that's exactly how the woman would feel if she could see her now. So maybe... maybe she could be happy for her mother. And having her very own fluffy would be a good start. She reached out to stroke Floret's fur, her voice quiet as she leaned forward watch the egg hatch, “Thank you for the present. I promise I'll take good care of it.” Whether she was talking to Srunae or Floret was up for debate.