An Attempt At Comfort [Tag: A'zael]

[Hiko]

Deja vu.
Again.
The last time Mollin had taken this path, made this trek toward A'zael's weyr, it had been the start of the worst time of her life. Now, as she made her way to the entrance, it was the worst of his.
She couldn't not give her condolences. Visiting Orana had been as much a part of his day-to-day burden as visiting her had been. And, while Mollin had been so wrapped up in her own misery, Orana could have used a friend. The blue rider felt a pang of both pity for the dead and self-loathing for herself.

She should have been more receptive to A'zael's attempts. She should have given him some sort of slack for what he'd been going through. But all she had felt at the time was anger for feeling used, sorrow in lost chances with Daltilith, and a deep depression that even now was still hard to shake.
But she hated the idea of not saying anything.

Coming up to the man's weyr, she wrapped her knuckles against the entrance. She'd brought flowers; she'd picked them that morning, by the lakeside. Tall, reedy things with delicate white petals, they weren't the prettiest, but she thought he could lay them on Orana's grave the next time he and his daughter visited.
She realized that that was likely why his suffering bothered her so; she felt, of course, for his mourning, but it was Azora that was on her mind the most. How would Zaelin respond in the same situation, at the same age? Orana was obviously much more in her daughter's life than Mollin, and fostering from a young age would of course take out much of the sting of parental demise, but knowing the girl was suffering hurt, and there was little Mollin could do about it. If she'd seen Orana little, she'd seen Azora less. What were words of comfort from a stranger?

Which left A'zael. Whether he wanted to see her, or whether she felt prepared enough to talk at length with him, she couldn't ignore the situation. Drawing up her courage, Mollin called out.
“A'zael? If this is a bad time – I just,” she faltered, “I don't know. I felt awful and I brought flowers?”

Zen

[Zen]

A'zael :: Bronze Fath

Between his fight with Srunae, Orana's death, and Azora's reaction to it, A'zael was certain he was having the worst time of his life. Part of him was glad Srunae had good reason to avoid him, however. He didn't want to inflict his currently chaotic emotional state on her. If their time in the hotpool had made her faint, what would THIS do to her? Silver linings.

In an attempt to keep himself together, he threw himself into busywork. Anything to keep his mind occupied, to keep darker thoughts from pushing to the forefront. Fath had made himself a constant presence, unwilling to leave his rider alone in the state he was in. His constant chatter had died down from the norm, but he half understood what A'zael was trying to do, and any idleness on his rider's part was met with some sort conversation. Sometimes it was the same conversation they'd had two conversations ago, but it helped.

Standing in his office, he looked around with a frown. Everything had now been immaculately organized. Cleaning and organizing his office had been a long time coming, to be honest, something he'd kept putting off in favor of more pressing, less tedious matters. Now he was rather glad he had, for it had given him something to do for several candlemarks, a necessity that also offered him the chance to be alone. Being alone was perhaps not the best course of action right now, but like Azora, he mostly just wanted to be left alone to sort himself out. He didn't want to talk about it. At least he thought he didn't. He didn't know.

He just barely resisted the sudden, intense urge to throw something, because breaking something, making another mess to clean up, wouldn't bring Orana back nor heal his daughter's unimaginable pain. It would only be another broken thing he couldn't fix, a mess he'd made from a careless whim and lack of self control.

A'zaelmine, the hunting was good today. Fath told him for about the fourth time, interrupting his spiraling thoughts.

For a moment he didn't respond to the bronze, but then he let out a cold bark of laughter. He appreciated his dragon's attempts, but they were getting ridiculously repetitive. Still, he replied as though it was the first time, I'm glad, Fath. I hope you stuffed your fat bronze belly full.

Fat? The bronze turned his head to look at his stomach, considering this, and A'zael laughed again at the confused feelings flitting between their bond. It was a little less cold this time. He stepped out of his office, intending to join his dragon, when a knock and a familiar voice drew his attention instead. He hesitated. She'd given him an out. He could tell her it wasn't a good time. But.

He sighed and invited her in, “It's... all right, Mollin....” He studied the flowers she carried for a moment and a wan smile pulled at his lips, just a hint of his usual self, “Can't say that a woman's ever brought me flowers before.” He ran his hand through his hair, “Uhm. I appreciate it. I....” His gaze shifted to her face for a moment, and his voice strained slightly, trying for a humorous tone but not quite getting there, “You're not allowed to do this to me again. Okay? You're not allowed... not allowed to die.” At least not until Zaelin was an adult. As Mollin herself had wondered, he too thought of a future in which Zaelin had to go through this. Maybe it wouldn't be as bad, Zaelin would be fostered like most weyrbred kids. But maybe it would, and A'zael wasn't sure he could handle this again. He couldn't even handle it now.

[Hiko]

Shells, Mollin thought as she entered the bronze rider's weyr, A'zael looked worse than wherryshit. Wincing, she handed over the flowers in an awkward, abrupt gesture. Bah! Why did she have to feel so adrift when around him, these days? He didn't need some flailing waif, he needed a friend. And Mollin wasn't entirely certain she could be that friend.
So why was she even here?
Guilt, mostly.

She leaned against the inner wall of the weyr, looking the man over as he gave the barest of smiles. Even that looked wrong on his face, she noted, though she made an attempt to return the banter.
“Oh, no? But I was certain you were the planting type. I mean, plowing, plowing – I can see the mixup.” That – that was familiar. This was good. She could do this.

And then he started to lose himself. His voice strained, and his next words echoed much of her own inner thoughts from before.
How could she send him out of her life right now? It was true, she hadn't stopped feeling used, regardless of how consensual things had been. She knew – or at least suspected – that he was moving on to a few other women, and while she hadn't at all expected more than a fling, after everything, it still stung.
But that was part of his nature, wasn't it? And she couldn't hold that against him during such a difficult time, regardless of how she herself felt.
No, if she were going to excuse herself as much as she could from his life, it would need to wait.
“I'm not going anywhere, Az. I'm not Orana, and I'm not leaving you alone.” Without putting much thought into it, she closed the distance between them and wrapped her arms around the man's waist in a hug.
“I don't know what the future will hold, but I promise you this: Zaelin will have both of us.”

Zen

[Zen]

A'zael

The physical contact was... unexpected. At first he wasn't entirely sure what to do. It struck him that he hadn't really... touched her at all, in all the times he'd visited her. He'd kind of avoided it, actually, in some weird state of mind about it being construed wrong or something. But this.... Interaction, contact, he needed this, and it occurred to him that... perhaps she had too, and he'd really dropped the ball there.

Her offered flowers still in one hand, he wrapped his arms around her and just held on to her for a long moment, “I'm sorry... I'm sorry I wasn't there for you... like you deserved for me to be.” He hadn't been, but here she was, trying, doing for him what he should have tried harder to do for her. It seemed all he could do was fail the people in his life recently... but he'd been failing Mollin for a while. And she still....

He drew in a long breath and released her, looking down at the flowers in his hand. He didn't have any right to ask, but he did anyway, “Hey if you... if you visit Zaelin any time soon... would you check on Azora for me? She....” He ran his free hand over his face, “She doesn't want to see me.” Hopefully those feelings would fade, hopefully she'd come around, let him back in, but he had no idea how long that was going to take. He couldn't keep his promise, couldn't be there for her, if she didn't let him be there.

Logically, he knew she was a child. Maybe he shouldn't give her the power to make these decisions, but what would forcing her to spend time with him really accomplish? Or was she like him... was she closing herself off when what she really needed was the interaction and contact? He turned with a deep sigh, without a sharding clue what he should be doing, and tried to figure out just where to put the flowers for the time being. Instead he tried to change the subject so he wouldn't have to think about it anymore. “So have you... returned to training yet?” He knew she'd handed Zaelin off to the creche at this point, but he wasn't sure what she was actually doing these days. Better to focus on her right now, because he was just an absolute mess.

[Hiko]

Was – was A'zael apologizing?
That was unexpected.
Mollin gave the bronze rider one final, hopefully comforting squeeze before he released her, and she returned to leaning awkwardly against the wall.
“It... Well. It's the past, right? It's better to move forward. If I've learned anything in the past Turn and a half, it's that you can't dwell on what makes you miserable. If I had, I might not have ever found a way out of the dark.”

She played with a fingernail, not looking up at him as he asked her to look in on Azora. Was that really her place, she wondered, and would the girl be amenable to it? She picked at her thumbnail, mulling the request over. For the girl's sake, she couldn't say no, but that would make her longterm plans more difficult. She couldn't easily break away if she grew attached. Was that his plan? Give Azora a replacement mother figure, while keeping the other mother of his child close?

That wasn't like him, was it? Mollin's self-esteem soured, reminding herself just how little she knew about the bronze rider.
No.
She would not, could not allow herself to fall back into that hole of thought.
“Of course,” she replied, realizing the silence that had fallen between them. “It might even do her well, knowing she's cared for by others that aren't family.”

When A'zael asked her about training, she looked up and gave him a wry smile.
“Not yet. But soon. Until then, I guess I've just been floating about. Been spending time in the kitchens, helping there, went fishing a few days ago, found a pair of fire lizard eggs with G'rett.” Oh, that felt awkward. Should she have mentioned she was spending time with other riders? Surely, it didn't matter? She was free to make friends. Perhaps the long standing isolation was still affecting her point of view. That was it. Mentally, she brushed the anxiety away.
“I'm just trying to remember who I was, before. Half the time, I feel manic and stir-crazy, the other half, like I'm still in the way. I really don't look forward to seeing K'ton again.” she gave a cough of a laugh, “Ever.”

Zen