Why Am I Doing This? [A'zael's Journal]

[Zen]

10th Pass, 5th Turn, Early 2nd Month
Late Winter

Well… S’fin said I ought to keep a journal. Said it could help me ‘relieve stress’ somehow… help me get my thoughts in order. I don’t really see the point exactly but S’fin’s advice had always proven good in the past, so I figured I might give it a shot. He wants to help me, I know… however he can. He’s always been a good brother, a good friend. He spoke aloud what I already knew, Weyrleadership is too much for me. I think I’m doing better now… maybe. Not at being Weyrleader, I’d say I’m doing pretty much the same there, but at… everything else.

Zalmaranth ought to rise any day, sooner rather than later, I’m hoping. Surely there’s no chance she’ll let Fath catch her again? I don’t really know how she feels about him but she doesn’t entirely seem to like much of anyone, so I can’t imagine she likes Fath at all, as… overwhelming as he can be. I enjoy the Weyrleader’s weyr, but I’ll sleep on the stone with Fath if it means I can be rid of all this stress and responsibility.

And Karredy… we don’t seem to talk much. I’m not sure how she feels about me at all. I can’t tell if she’s avoiding me or… maybe just keeping me at a distance? It’s not as though my position as Weyrleader is secure, like her own position as Weyrwoman. She’s of similar age to me, I can’t imagine running the Weyr is any easier for her than it is for me. So much has happened with her that I’m not entirely sure how to approach her, if she would appreciate my help, or at least the sentiment of it, or not. I know so little of her, and I’d like that to change, but I’ve been keeping myself so busy, and I’m sure she’s been busy as well. Perhaps I should make more of an effort to get to know her better, now that I’ve made up my mind to stop being so wherry-brained.

I’ve got Rau back. I can’t express how very glad I am of that development. He came to me to apologize, to tell me he was wrong, he’d acted foolishly. I’m still somewhat baffled by it to be honest. But I don’t care about what happened anymore, I’m just happy to have him back. We’re both changed, it seems. I find myself thinking so much about everything these days; it’s so hard to drag myself out of my head. I can’t say I like it, either. I miss how easy life used to be, how simple it was. There was nothing to overthink, no decision I could make that would ever endanger hundreds if I made the wrong choice.

Why anyone would want to be Weyrleader is far beyond my ability to comprehend. No amount of ‘power’ is worth so much stress. And everyone watches everything you do, talks about you constantly, your every failure and mistake echoed back to you hundreds of times in whispers and passing murmurs that they think you can’t hear. Every decision is opposed by someone, it’s impossible to make everyone happy, and it’s really driving me crazy if I’m being honest. Making hard decisions has never been something I’m good at. I can’t stand letting people down. All I can do is my best and I’m just not sure if that’s good enough. I don’t know what I’m doing, I really don’t. There is so much more to being Weyrleader than you dream of as a weyrbrat, and no one can ever prepare you for it. I’m surprised the Weyrs have survived as they have, with leaders that have to learn as they go and are deposed and replaced so quickly and suddenly. Stopping to think about it, running a Weyr this way is really insane, you know?

Now I’m asking questions to a piece of paper. Perhaps I’m the one who’s insane. I didn’t know what I was going to write about when I started out, S’fin said to just let myself go and it would come out on its own. Seems he was right. I have to wonder if he keeps one of these things, and just what it says inside. Perhaps I’ll have to find out for myself one of these days. He’s so… open about things, he would probably just give it to me to read if I asked.

So much has happened I feel like I could keep writing forever. I’ve been rather negative so far… let’s see what sorts of good has happened. S’fin for one. He’s been around for months now, but he’s been a constant in my life like he used to be, before my transfer. It’s been reassuring to know I have someone here I can depend on, no matter what happens. I did mention Rau. We had a… falling out, but we’re good now. And with his ideas for helping the larger, less agile Blues and Greens to fly longer, I feel like we can make a big difference during Threadfall. I just don’t know how the other wingleaders will take to the idea, but I suppose that’s a wait and see sort of thing. I’m trying to relax more, and not worry so much about things that haven’t even happened yet, one way or the other.

My interest in the gitar has rekindled itself. I can only blame Srunae, though it isn’t as though she forced me to talk about how I was learning to play when I was a weyrbrat. She did help me though. I don’t even remember exactly what we spoke of in the dining cavern, but I do remember leaving much more relaxed than I’ve felt in a long time. There was no need for formalities with her, no tension of rank between us. It was like a breath of fresh air, to be able to relax and simply enjoy someone’s company. I told her I would play for her. I probably shouldn’t have, I hardly remember anything at all of how to play the gitar, and don’t even own one anyway. I told her I would though, so I’ll find one somewhere to borrow. The Weyrharper must have at least one, after all. Hopefully I can find some time to practice a bit. I should be able to. I would have time if only I let myself have time.

To be honest, I’m not really sure why I went to the dining cavern that day. I suppose the stress was about to break me if I didn’t do something. I’ve isolated myself for a long time, ever since I forced myself to handle Rau. I don’t know why. I don’t do well with isolation. I like people, I like being around others, talking, laughing. I just… don’t want anyone to think I’m not giving all I am to being Weyrleader. Mavros is not like other Weyrs… it doesn’t have a network of support to fall back on. It needs the best leaders it can get in order to survive. There is so little between our success and our failure to make it on our own. I don’t know what I would do if Mavros failed under my leadership… all of the people I would have failed. It’s… frightening to think about, and yet it’s a possibility. All it takes is one wrong decision. How can anyone carry this weight? It’s utterly exhausting, and I can’t let it show, I can’t let the rest of the Weyr see weakness or uncertainty… then they will be uncertain, they will doubt and question, and it will only spiral downward from there.

So much thinking. I’ve never thought about anything so much in my life as I do now. But I have to… lives depend on me making the right choices. I would not wish this burden on anyone, and yet I can’t wait until someone else can take my place. And even that thought causes me worry. Who might the next Weyrleader be, and will they give all they are to Mavros, to keep us alive? I can never stop thinking, worrying about the future, and I never used to… not ever. Now I’m afraid I will never be able to stop, even after I’m no longer Weyrleader, and I really hate the thought of it. The future is always uncertain, that never used to bother me. I was always so sure I could just make the best of whatever came to be. I’m not really sure what changed. I’ve always cared about people, everyone around me, even if I don’t really know them. I’ve always loved helping people, however I can. Now that I’m in a position where I can do the most good, I’m more afraid of the future than I’ve ever been, and I question every choice I make… because I’m also in a position where I can do the most harm.

Srunae said I was doing well. It’s the first time anyone has told me that. Nearly a turn as Weyrleader, and all I’ve heard is doubts and vague encouragements. “I’m doing as well as can be expected.” I’m “handling myself”. “I’m learning.” And I’ve heard worse things said of me. I’ve never particularly cared what others thought about me, but when everything I do is for the sake of those depending on me to make the right decisions, it’s hard to keep going without any sort of confirmation that the decisions I’m making ARE the right ones. Srunae is a relatively quiet woman. Hearing her say she thinks I’m doing well… perhaps I’m doing better than I thought, and those who think so are simply quiet like her.

This… mistake I made with Mollin isn’t helping my case, I suppose. And it was a mistake. I knew very well she was a candidate, how close the hatching was. I should have restrained myself. I learned my lesson. I just wish everyone would let it go already. The Golds will be able to keep her dragon calm while she’s in labor… surely. Her graduation will be delayed, but in the end there’s no real harm done… riders get pregnant and aren’t able to fly in Fall often enough… other than the risk to her young dragon (which we’ve got a solution for!), I don’t really see the big deal. I wonder if people would still be talking about it if I wasn’t Weyrleader. Perhaps after she’s given birth, after its over, people can finally move on with their lives. She only has about a month left to go.

I’m… uncertain about it. I’m not sure what sort of father I’ll make. I want to be there, to be involved, as much as I can… I don’t want to be like some riders that leave the raising of their children to others, that are never any real part of their children’s lives. And yet… I have no idea what to do with a child. Honestly, I don’t have the first clue… its nerve wracking, thinking about it. I’m just thankful to be in a Weyr, where I will have help from very experienced people in the crèche and Mollin and I won’t be expected to figure things out on our own. I don’t think I could handle… ‘traditional’ parenthood, the parenthood of Hall and Hold.

I’m nervous, but… I’m also excited. I may not know the first thing about raising children but that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. And this will be… mine. The way I live, I had honestly sort of expected to be a father sooner than this, so it isn’t like I’m completely unprepared for it to be happening… I just wish I hadn’t made such a stupid mistake and tainted everything about it with negativity. I wish I could just… be happy about it. I can’t wait for it to just be over, to see everything come out fine, so I can stop worrying that my mistake will… cost more than just rumors and bad reputations. I try not to dwell on it… but there’s a very real chance that Mollin could lose her dragon. A horrifyingly real chance… and it will be entirely my fault. And if she loses her dragon in the middle of her labor, then what? What will happen to her? To the… our baby? She might not even survive the birth, and the baby might not either, if she loses her Blue.

And I will have killed three.

There I am descending into negativity again. It’s not normal for me. I’m never like this. I never was, anyway. I’m not sure if this is helping or not. It doesn't seem to be. I don’t know if I’ll continue this… journaling thing.

[Zen]

10th Pass, 5th Turn, 3rd Month
Early Spring

So... I decided to give this another chance. I was really negative last time. Hopefully most of that is out of my system now. Things are going better. Mollin had her... our baby. Her name is Zaelin. The Golds were able to keep Daltilith calm through the birth... everything went so much better than I thought it would. Zaelin is... kind of amazing. I've never really been all that interested in infants, you know? But it's just different when you know it's... yours. I have two daughters now... at least that I know of.

Ugh, and here comes the negativity. This little girl shows up in my weyr and says she's my daughter, and that's fine... I mean I sort of expected that I might have a kid... or more than one... back at Southern. I didn't expect to have any kids as old as Azora though. Her mother was someone I grew up with, but not someone that... we rarely interacted at all. She was too mature for me, too responsible... too boring I would have said back then. A few glasses of wine can change a lot though. I never would have though Orana would have gotten pregnant after that drunken fling. I was 15, I wasn't thinking about anything at all but Impressing and finding the next girl to sleep with.

I can see why she didn't tell me about our daughter then. She explained herself rather thoroughly after I returned Azora to the creche. I was so young, she didn't want me to give up on being a dragonrider, she was afraid I wouldn't want anything to do with her anyway, like apparently her own parents hadn't been interested in her. She wanted to tell me when I was older, but then I'd transferred to Mavros and she couldn't. So why now? I wish I hadn't asked. Shard it all. Orana is dying... likely she'll die before the turn ends, she said. She wanted Azora to know me before then, to make sure she had someone to keep looking out for her when she....

She just dumps all this in my lap all at once. She's going to die and leave our daughter who I barely know with me. What am I going to do when she dies? Azora clearly loves her... so much. It's going to be so painful for her. Azora is such a strong willed little thing... but I don't think she'll be strong enough for this. She doesn't even know her mother is dying. Orana assured me she would tell her before it happened, that I would have to do it myself, so at least there's that. A small mercy.

And sharding Fath! I don't understand how Zalmaranth allowed him to catch her a second time, and now I'm stuck as Weyrleader again. I was so looking forward to being done with all of this responsibility. I wanted more time to myself, to visit Zaelin and Azora and just... NOT be responsible for the entire Weyr! I can't believe he caught her again. I just... can't. And I can't even blame the big goof... he just really loves pretty lady dragons. How can I blame him for that?

Okay... I think I've gotten all the negatives out now. Hopefully. Rather a lot has happened in a month's time. Hey, at least I don't have to move out of my comfortable weyr! Positive thinking. Yeah... right. Anyway, what else....

Well... Srunae was there when I met Azora. That was... interesting. Honestly she was a huge help... I would have been, no I WAS at a loss... I don't know what I would have done if she hadn't been there. Azora is... something else. I can't help but think she has more of me in her than Orana. From what I remember, Orana was never so bold or adventurous. She seems like she's been a fantastic mother so far though... which just means it will hurt all the more when Azora loses her. I'm hoping... Srunae will help me then too. She was so great with Azora... better than I was, but I've gotten better... I think I was just... shocked is all.

Either way... I've found my thoughts wandering to Srunae quite a bit. And I've realized I don't actually know a lot about her. Here she's been thrust rather against her will into details of my life that she didn't particularly have to stick around for, but she did anyway, and I... know very little about her life. I wonder if she's done that on purpose. I recall how guarded she was when we first spoke in the dining cavern, idle chatter that she carefully picked around when it came to details of her own life. I didn't mind then... I didn't want any heavy topics, I just wanted to relax and socialize a little, but now....

I would really like to get to know her better. She's been incredibly supportive of me, in this short time we've known each other... I'd like to return the favor. She's very genuine, casual, so easy to be around. I can let myself relax around her, and just be me. These days there really aren't that many people I can say that about. Her support means a great deal to me. And her dragon gets along well with Fath, which isn't something I can say about very many dragons either. Sometimes it seems like she came into my life at just the right time, when I had had about all I could take, and with a simple conversation about nothing in particular she just... made it better. I'm quite lucky to have her as a friend, especially now that I'll be Weyrleader for longer than I expected. I'll need all the friends I can get.