HELLO YES. I'M HERE TO APOLOGIZE (A'zael)

[madb]

[subtitled; so ya gotta sit down and listen]

Pallath was sending currents of amusement at R'get, it radiated through their bond warmly. He attempted to shrug the gentle presence off. It was bad enough, knowing what he was about to do, without her wordless, smug commentary in the background.

"Is that your way of saying, 'I told you so?'" he tossed over his shoulder, refusing to look her in her whirling eyes. He tugged at his shirt a little, hating the way it had tightened across his shoulders. Ever since being shafted to the gold wing, he and Pallath had thrown their collective -and impressive- all into showing that they deserved to be on the regular wing rotation, where the real danger was. The good; they both looked really fit. The bad; new clothes were in order, and R'get wasn't big on spending marks on things like clothes until they got all hole-y.

She snorted softly. If I wished to tell you 'I told you so', I would have done so and you would not need to ask. More of that gentle laughter-feeling, it bubbled against the back of his mind, the positive strengthening his spine and putting color back in his cheeks. This is good. I am glad you do this. You have put it off long enough.

Shard dragons and their selective memories. R'get would never understand why for some things the concept of time seemed non-existent, while for others - such as this one, particular thing - it was as sharp as a knife blade and biting as thread.

It is important to you his green said, which R'get thought sounded very wise, until she followed it up with a rather critical; therefore I could not escape it in your thoughts and am very glad this nonsense will be over soon.

He sighed, stopped messing with his shirt - well, what could he do anyway. I knew it. You are exasperated with me.

Always he glared half-heartedly at her, and she met him straight on, eyes spinning peacefully. I love you despite it. And Fath's rider does as well. When thread falls, we fly and we flame it from the sky. We do not run from it. Do not run from this.

R'get snorted. Why does everything come back to flaming thread with you? Single-minded to a fault, you are.

Lady nipped his ear - "Ouch!" - and chided him, like she was also indicating he should just stop moping around already and get a move on.

"Surrounded by unsympathetic women," R'get muttered under his breath.

He took a deep breath. Well. There was really only one thing left to do at this stage, and that was to get it over with.

--

And that is how, almost a whole candlemark later, R'get found himself in front of the Weyrleader's - still weird to think of Az like that, even after all thist time - weyr with his hand raised as if he was about to knock. Not that he'd admit it to anyone, but his knees were kind of trembly. Which was totally weird. He'd had easier breakups then this! It shouldn't be this difficult to just say 'sorry' to his best friend!

But... that was the core of the problem, wasn't it. This wasn't just some guy. This was his best friend, and they'd never - not once, not even when they were weyrbrats - so much as raised their voices at each other. Probably mostly because A'zael didn't get angry easily more than R'get, who was always more ready to fight. Still. Rau had said some ugly things for no other reason then he'd had a bad breakup and was self-destructive, and there was no set precedent for arguing between them. Let alone how they went about forgiving each other afterwards.

Because... he had to forgive him, right? R'get frowned. Maybe he'd put this off for so long... because he didn't want to acknowledge the possibility of an apology not being enough.

Of not getting his best friend back.

What was that Pallath had said about not running away, not even from threadfall?

He knocked.

[Zen]

A'zael

Sitting back against his desk, A’zael looked over the lists of those injured in the last fall. The wind had been against them, wild and unpredictable, blowing strands of Thread around in ways that were hard to follow. A few riders had been especially unlucky. He rubbed at his temples, closing stormy gray-blue eyes. Every wing but the Queen’s Wing had taken casualties. Each of the other wingleaders had delivered their lists to him only a short while ago, and he had been dreading it. His own wing was losing a rider permanently. Neither of the pair was dead, thankfully, but the dragon’s wingsails had been….

He shook his head, looking down at the lists again, sifting through them in dismay. Granted, most were superficial, most would be ready to fly again come next fall, but some would not. He had a Bluerider on his hands that would be lucky to fly again, and even if he did, it would be with the Queen’s Wing. There were a number of other riders from all three wings that would be out for sevendays thanks to the sharding wind. He thanked Faranth none of the injured had panicked enough to get lost Between, that his riders had it in them to hold together.

He shook his head again. His riders. It had been over a turn and it still felt strange to think of the weyr’s riders in such a manner. He tossed the lists behind him on the desk and looked up at the cave roof. What was he supposed to do about them anyway? Normally injuries that kept riders out for any real length of time would require a shifting around in the ranks, possibly a few brief transfers to other wings to fill in while others recovered, but they simply didn’t have the riders to fill in. He laughed, a cold, empty sound, and felt the childish desire to throw something in his frustration, but managed to keep the desire in check, pushing himself forward from the desk to pace instead.

Running his fingers through his hair, he mentally began shifting everyone in his wing to cover holes in formation caused by the injured, trying to decide if they had enough riders to suitably fill the holes. They would be spread thin, but he was pretty sure they could do it. They would also run higher risk of injury for it, but so long as the wind didn’t act up so terribly again… they should be fine. He didn’t know what they would do if they had to fight Thread in wind like that again anytime soon. A few dragons had even been singed by flames blown back at them. What on Pern was he supposed to do about wild winds? It wasn’t as if they could just ignore the Thread during days like that.

A sudden knock ringing through his weyr had him stopping mid pace. He glanced in the general direction of his door and sighed. He would welcome a distraction at this point, even though it would probably be better to just sit down and figure out how to spread out the wing properly. He glanced toward the ledge, Fath was nowhere to be seen. A brief reaching out for his dragon found him happily snacking on herdbeast. Lucky him. He opened his door and froze with what must have been a rather shocked look on his face. It took him a moment to find his voice, “Ra-… R’get….” He faltered, unsure if he was allowed to call him by his nickname anymore. A fresh wave of guilt over how horribly he had handled himself with his friend washed over him. He had completely lost his temper. He had never lost his temper in his life, much less with his best friend.

He took a step back, “Uh… come in….” He glanced back toward the empty ledge, unsure what else to say. He felt like he couldn’t back down, he couldn’t… apologize… or it would somehow take back the fact that R’get had been stupid and had deserved some sort of punishment. But it sort of hurt not to. He hadn’t meant for that discussion to degenerate into some sleep deprived, stressed out temper tantrum over a careless remark that he knew, he knew his friend hadn’t meant. He scratched the back of his neck, wondering why R’get had come. He was certain he’d driven him away for good, the way he had acted. He wasn't so sure he wanted a distraction anymore.

[madb]

Great. It wasn't looking like they were off to the best start. R'get shifted uncomfortably on his feet. He doesn't seem thrilled to see me, he thought to himself, then grimaced. Then again, can I really blame him? Have we even really talked after The Incident?

He scoured his memory for an occasion that wasn't just an awkward quick hello or how have you been. Nada. Nothing. Conversations with Azzy had been as sterile and cold as between, these several long months.

Which was totally weird because, he couldn't even think of a time before this where they hadn't basically hung out every day? Sure, occasionally they'd have a partner of the respective gender who'd steal away a bit of time, but that was never a permanent thing. And anyway, if it was more than a casual hookup, they'd all wind up together because you never got Azzy without Rau or the opposite. They'd kinda been a package deal.

'Like twins,' one of Rau's ex's had complained, 'only worse, somehow'.

Weird and depressing how less than a turn apart could turn a relationship which had been as natural as breathing for so long, into ... this weird stretched out silence, Rau didn't even have a hope of cutting through.

"Um," said R'get, who was obviously intent on continuing this bad start.

So, mouth? Would you like making words now? Because that would totally be helpful at this point. Annny day now. Before threadfall consumes Pern, ideally.

"How have you been?"

Harpers could only dream of his eloquence.

"No. No, don't answer that, that isn't what I came here to say." R'get's voice raised, half in panic. "Sit down or, stand up or something. You can get mad at me or say whatever you want after, but you just got to listen, because you're owed this." He frowned. "I owe you this much."

Ordering about your Weyrleader; good start.

"I have have been worse than a blind watchwher about this." R'get stiffened his spine, voice coming out at a growl, but if he was angry with anyone it was frustration with himself. "I sad some wherrybrained things to you without thinking, and I'm sorry. I should have never said that to my Weyrleader - no. I shouldn't have said those things to my friend!"

"What's even worse than that, was," Rau gestured helplessly at the room around him. "I mean, you've been dealing with this, Azzy, and I just. I abandoned you. Because we had some stupid argument?"

He was talking too fast to be interrupted - if A'zael tried, he'd likely just be overrun anyway. R'get had obviously been letting this build up for a while, and now that the ball was rolling, it seemed impossible to stop.

"Which! Which, I mean, the absolute wreck I was over some -some guy." He shuttered off, a half-second, crossing his arms defensively over his chest, even after all this time not willing to talk about it, before plowing on, "I put Pallath in a dangerous spot, I put myself in a dangerous spot, I endangered my entire wing! You were mad, of course you were mad, I would've been."

He laughed. "Ten times more so, probably, because, I've never really had much control over my temper. Anyway."

His hand went to scratch the back of his neck, confidence bleeding dry.

"If you don't forgive me, what I mean is I don't blame you." R'get's throat clenched. Yeah, this was why he'd put it off. "I just needed to - you just needed to know that I accept all responsibility, and I know it was my fault, and its just so sharding gross that after all these turns my friendship for you wasn't as... it wasn't strong enough, I guess. To last through a stupid thing like that. I,"

He glared at his boots, until the emotion threatening to claw up his throat eased. "What I guess I'm trying to say is you. You're my best friend. And I suck. So."

It was a good thing Pallath Impressed him, R'get was pretty sure that rambling mess of a speech was an indicator on how much he would suck at anything that wasn't dragonriding.

[Zen]

A'zael

He closed the door behind them as R’get stepped in and a long moment of silence drew out between them, the tension almost tangible. He waited, unsure what to say himself, and since R’get had been the one to come to him, he imagined he had something to say. He was just taking his time saying it, not that A’zael really blamed him. Things were not okay between them, and it was painfully obvious. At last he spoke, asking how he’d been doing, but promptly moving past it, not giving him any chance to respond.

He watched his friend (were they still friends?) as he let loose a flood of words. He stood where he was as R’get poured out his prolonged apology. His eyes widened slightly as he actually took responsibility for his previous idiotic actions. And here he thought he had known the man. Then again, he wasn’t exactly who he used to be either. Was this what they called ‘growing up’?

He shook his head slowly as R’get said something about not forgiving him, that their friendship was something that couldn’t last through a single fight. And as the other man stared down at his own feet he stepped forward to pull him into a rough hug, his throat tight with emotion, “You dimglow. I wasn’t… I shouldn’t have lost it like I did…. I don’t care what I was dealing with, what I’m still dealing with, there’s no excuse for how I… blew up at you.”

He took a step back and ran his fingers through his hair, “You’re as much my brother as S’fin, Rau. Just because I’m Weyrleader… doesn’t change that.” He shook his head again, looking up at his friend, “I know you didn’t mean what you said, Rau. We both… said things that….” He sighed, “Faranth knows how much I’ve needed you. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and not having you with me has made it… infinitely harder.” It was like he had been holding his breath for months and now could finally begin to breathe again, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t try to fix this.” He pulled him into another hug, “Shards, I’ve missed you.”

[madb]

R'get choked down something that could've been a laugh, could've been a sob, either way feeling light headed with relief. "You forgive me?" he said, disbelieving, then shook his head.

He returned the hug fiercely. "Good, because, I can't imagine how awkward it would've been if you'd told me to get lost after all that." His voice wavered, belying all of the confidence he'd attempted to enthuse in that statement. "I would've really looked foolish."

Pallath nudged his mind. Now I will say I told you so, tone smug.

Go off and bask somewhere, I'm having a moment

She obeyed, with one last gentle psyhic touch, nearly as comforting as Azzy's hug.

He reluctantly released his friend, and laughed. "Look at us! I'm getting all weepy." He wiped something suspiciously wet from the corner of his eye. "Shards, I don't care how silly it sounds, I really - I mean." He shook his head, "Its always been a constant thing, you and me, you're my best friend. Always have been. And you've always been there. Not having you around was like... not being able to stand on the ground properly, you know? Or trying to fly but your dragon's got a wounded leg so you can't move right." He winced. "Bad example."

R'get let out a deep breath.

"Right, but I'm making it about me again," he said, dryly, "I feel like that was kind of the problem from the start." He'd always been awful at considering other people.

The tall greenrider shook his head, as if to shake off his own concerns.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you when you needed it, but you have to believe, I'm here for you now. Me and Pallath. Which, by the way, she is fighting fit - I mean, I'm sure you knew that, considering," R'get grinned. "Or not, I don't know. We're kind of small fish in a big Mavros ocean of riders, so. Do they inform you directly about these things? Seems like they can't make you handle everything - you've got people that handle all the everyday stuff, right?"

Suddenly, R'get's face brightened. "I can help! I mean, I might not be your smartest rider, but. If you need anything, brother, I'm there."

[Zen]

A'zael

A’zael could only laugh as Rau made reference to the very thing that had created the rift between them to begin with, “You really are full of tact, Rau.” And then he was off on a babble about him and Pallath and for some reason thinking he was insignificant in the grand scheme that was Mavros and he shook his head, his tone taking on a more serious note, “Of course I know, Rau… we may not have been speaking but… I still kept up with how you and Pallath were doing.” He ran his hand through his hair sheepishly, “It really wasn’t anyone’s business but mine what to do with you after you healed, anyway.”

It was so awkward being his best friend’s disciplinarian. He felt like he’d become one of those adults that had so often scolded them and punished them when they were just ‘brats for all the things they’d gotten up to, taking everything too seriously and ruining all their fun. The two of them were supposed to get in trouble together, that’s how it always had been. Needless to say he wasn’t sure he would ever get used to it. He really hated it. Honestly it was probably the worst part about being Weyrleader, worse than the casualty lists currently sitting on his desk that needed dealing with.

“I’d… be glad to have you back in the wing. After this last Fall, we…,” he sighed, “We definitely need every healthy rider. And I mean, it’s not just that….” He studied R’get for a moment and couldn’t help but grin, “You’re actually taking responsibility for your actions. Are you sure you’re all right?” He laughed, “But seriously… you’ve spent enough time in the Queen’s Wing.” His voice lowered a bit, “Just promise me… you won’t do anything like that again. I don’t want to lose you again, Rau.” And next time it might not be just an argument that separated them.

“Faranth knows I need all the help I can get,” he had never been one to ask for help or rely much on others, he had always tried to be there for everyone else and stand on his own, but Mavros needed all the help it could get. He had managed to swallow that pride of his in order to make sure Mavros got what it needed. He gave a lopsided grin, crossing his arms over his chest, “I’m sure I can find something for you to do.”

[madb]

R'get laughed when Azzy pointed out that he was actually taking responsibility, for once. "I know, right? Next thing you know, Thread'll be falling upwards, and a blue'll catch a gold." He shook his head, a bit of seriousness injecting itself into his tone. "I mean, I almost hate to admit it, but. Riding with the golds? Shards. For one thing, most of those ladies could probably eat me for breakfast if I didn't fall in line, probably. I didn't want to give them the chance to find out." He winced.

Then he added, quietly; "And besides, me and Pallath were lucky. There were dragonpairs flying there that didn't just suffer a small bit of thread to their leg." He shrugged, awkward. "Makes you appreciate what you've got I guess."

A'zael's voice lowered, and R'get automatically reached out to grab his shoulder. It was awkward for the first second, despite the hugging before there was still this strange feeling like a barrier still existed, Rau was determined to get everything back to normal. Besides, he was an affectionate person so the instinct kind of over-rid everything else.

"I'm not going anywhere, Azzy," he said, solemnly. "I promise not to be that wherrybrained again. Well. Ok, I promise not to be that wherrybrained about threadfall combat and our friendship. I don't really promise not to be wherrybrained in general, because - you know me." He grinned.

The greenrider was astonished almost that A'zael didn't brush his offer off. While they'd always worked together on pranks and stuff of that kind of lighthearted nature, Azzy had this weird gotta-do-it-alone kind of mentality on all the serious stuff. Sure, everytime Rau or one of Azzy's other friends had needed a helping hand, he'd be there - but something about his friend meant he often kept his problems to himself. Rau often had to wrestle it out of him, when Az needed help and wasn't going to ask for it.

"Speaking of growing up," he shook his head, impressed, "Is this what being a Weyrleader does to you? By the way - I see some grey in your hair," he teased. "Glad I'm not in your shoes."

R'get startled, realizing. "Oh! And when I said I'm willing to help, I don't mean latrines duty or anything, so don't get any ideas."

[Zen]

A'zael

A’zael rolled his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair self-consciously as Rau teased him about seeing gray hairs, “You do not… I’ve checked.” He laughed and shook his head, “I’d like to see how good you look after a turn as Mavros’s Weyrleader.” He grinned, “On second thought, thinking about you as Weyrleader is just terrifying. Though I’m sure Pallath could more than handle it.” Honestly, when Fath had joined the chase for Zalmaranth, thinking about himself as Weyrleader had been terrifying. Then he’d woken up beside Karredy and it had taken all of his, then, very little self control to keep from spouting expletives. It had to have been the first time he’d ever woken up in bed with a woman and not been happy about it. Not that it had been Karredy’s fault or anything.

“Hey Rau… if you and Pallath want to work on her endurance… I don’t have a problem with you trying it out during drills…,” he met his friend’s gaze seriously, “If it works out… it’d help us a lot. Other greens and blues could work on it… could fly longer.” He scratched his chin thoughtfully, “I don’t mind at all if you or anyone else wants to experiment a little during drills, as long as I know about it beforehand.” He stopped himself from saying that Threadfall wasn’t exactly the right time to be experimenting, because clearly Rau had already learned that lesson and he really didn’t need to keep scolding him for it.

His brow furrowed some, “There’s something you said that… sort of stuck with me.” He shifted, a little uncomfortable bringing up that day again, “I don’t know if you were just angry or… if there was truth to it. You said something about Pallath being treated lesser in the wings….” He rubbed the back of his neck, glancing away briefly, “If I… if anyone’s treated you to that way… I’m sorry.” He looked back to R’get, “Greens are always on rotation, always treated as though they can’t last a full Fall… but I’m not a greenrider. I don’t know what they’re capable of firsthand, only what I’ve been told, what’s been beaten over all our heads in lessons and stories. And maybe… there’s some sort of colorist views in those lessons and stories that aren’t necessarily all true. You’re my friend, Rau, and if you think Pallath is capable of more then I want to listen to what you have to say, and help you both achieve it.”

He waved his hand, “Even if you weren’t my friend, I should still want that. I should still want to listen, should still want all my riders improving and performing at their best.” There it was again, his riders. He really didn’t think he would ever get used to it. “Especially when we need all the help we can get. The other Weyrs might be able to afford pervading colorist views, not that… that’s a good thing… but Mavros can’t.” He managed another grin, “Who better to help shatter those views than you and Pallath, huh?”

[madb]

I most certainly could Pallath was amused, when R'get shared what A'zael had said. She pressed fondly against his consciousness, teasing, You, however, would be a disaster. To think, when I found you, you were hoping for a bronze!

Rau smiled fondly, taking a moment to take a part of the overwhelming relief and gladness that had been gathering within him from the moment Azzy hadn't kicked him out of here, and sending it to his lovely, serious green. I didn't know, forgive me. All weyrs seem to teach is that bronze is the ultimate accomplishment. How could I have realized you were all I wanted?

Pleased, Pallath nudged him. Er, metaphorically, that is. Yes I know. Pay attention. This meant, to Azzy, and there was a slight undercurrent of disapproval for getting distracted in the first place. R'get rolled his eyes, not willing to get into a debate right now with her that humans didn't really rank quite as strict as dragons did. Ah. Well, mostly. Anyway, it was more complicated then that! Riders understood when other riders got distracted by their dragons!

R'get's eyes brightened, feeling that forgotten spark leap up from wherever he had buried it; it had been a good idea, right? Sure, he'd taken it too far in the middle of all that frustration. Pallath hummed in the back of his mind, her approval strengthening his conviction once more.

He knew it! He and Pallath couldn't be the only ones who thought this way, even if some of the crotchety old gaffers had turned their noses up at it.

Still, he shifted uncomfortably as Azzy brought up that particular point. He remembered how angry he had been with his wingleader, how Rau and Pallath were easily dismissed out of hand, how no-one would take him seriously when he pleaded with them to let him try out his plan in formation, in practice. Before he and Pal had decided to prove it during active threadfall - a desperate measure which, obviously, had not panned out but only because of some stupid brown startling his normally unshakable partner - they'd been shut down over and over again from even practicing their plan of action in drills.

But this... this was A'zael. His friend. And neither of them had gone into the topic before with a clear head, now that the distance of the event was far enough along, Azzy seemed willing to listen.

The tall greenrider smiled. "Thank you," he said. "I - I really should've come to you first, when this all started. I mean, I should've trusted you to at least... listen to what I have to say? But it was my fault. I got so trapped, so irritated by the system around me, I just."

He shook his head, took a deep breath. Azzy's support meant so much. Even if the bronzerider didn't agree with what he had to say next, R'get was sure that he'd at least consider it.

Which was more than anyone else had done.

"It makes no sense," R'get said, frustration bleeding through, "if you compensate for the inability a green or blue to last through a fall by placing them in a position behind the browns and bronzes, so that they can glide on the air currents left as opposed to being forced to power through each wingfall, then you can easily keep more dragons in the air at the same time."

He dragged a hand through his hair, "I'm not suggesting all of us, the faster ones don't have endurance enough so that would even help, and I get that they want us to dart around the bigger colors to get all the thread that a brown or bronze simply isn't quick or agile enough to get. Most weyrs, you have enough browns and bronzes that you don't need to keep the 'lesser colors' longer, so of course they're only used for what they're best at. But that doesn't mean that just because it isn't our strength, that we can't do it - that we can't fill that need!"

"I'm just suggesting that for some of us, like Pallath and I, who have dragons that aren't as quick, we can stay though the fall if we just keep behind. And that'd help Mavros out, I mean, its no secret that we're-" he made an impatient gesture, "lacking! In dragons. You know? We don't have numerous greens and blues to fill each exchange. We're over-reaching, stretching ourselves too thin, and its killing dragonpairs."

Face falling, he crumpled his hand into a fist, glaring at the ground like it had affronted him. "They wouldn't listen. Just because no-one does it. They didn't trust me to know Pallath, or myself, or anything. Just because greenpairs are the muscle of the weyr, doesn't mean we can't have strategic thoughts." He sighed.

"That's what we were trying to prove, out there. That's why we did it. I had communicated it all, the brownrider had agreed to let us trail behind. That's why we didn't come back when we were called. I just didn't predict that he'd break off like that, it was difficult to keep Pallath calm and she was more tired than normal. That's why we were hurt. Suddenly it wasn't costing anymore. If there was a rotation in effect when the dragon in front gets hurt, like there is for other things, we could've kept costing, and she would've lasted another candlemark on her wings."

He met Azzy's eyes seriously. "You know how much I adore Pal, I'd never put her in any situation she can't handle. But she can handle so much more than what they think she can."