Dear Diary; it's me, Srunae.

[Rhush]

Late Spring, T4, M5 [10th Pass]

Dear Journal,

I thought that as my life has changed so much in only a short pair of sevendays, I should start documenting them. As of this morning, I impressed the most wonderful dragonet to have ever come into existence - my beloved Danovelith. It's really amazing, you know, to impress... It is an explosion of love and adoration, of self-worth and utter completeness of self, of understanding and the realization that I am no longer alone, that I am not a failure or an incapable hold-weyrbrat, that the world is beautiful and shaded in rainbow hues, glorious and bright in their glowing caresses of the senses.

She is, after all, my soul, my heart, my perfect, perfect love.

That her hide is metallic gold, that it gradients so beautifully from a pale, sunshiney gold into a warm, lovely honey gold, that her eyes whirl the most beautiful shades of blues and greens and that she is effectively a queen... that has no effect on this. I would love her just the same even if she was a pale, slender green. And yet, because she is a gold, a leader and an intelligent lady of the courts, I feel as though I might hinder her with my hardly lady-like background.

From mud, dirt and animal dung to the glittering courts of Lords and Ladies, of Weyrleaders and Weyrwomen? From the consistently half-worlds of beastcraft success and candidacy failure to the whole world of weyrlinghood and training to run a Weyr; should the honor fall to me? Even now, as I write this, Danovelith assures me that I will be fine, that we will be great and wonderful weyrqueens and rule on high with the skill of long experienced Holder Ladies... but alas, I cannot say I share her confidence.

She claims that is something we will work on. Perhaps it would be easier if I found a familiar face. The hatching feast is tonight - we shall see how well I can portray the goldrider facade without Danovelith's input... for she shall be asleep at that time of the day.

[Rhush]

Early Summer, T4, M6 [10th Pass]

Dear Journal,

It has been a full fortnight since I impressed Danovelith, and things seem to be getting a little easier. She-- we have been doing very well in our lessons, and Danovelith grows larger and larger with each passing eve. She is so beautiful... I can only imagine how lovely she will be when she reaches her full size.

Her sister, Sularenth, is growing at a faster rate than she is, but the big, bulky queen was larger even at hatching, so I can't say I'm surprised. She simply doesn't compare to my dainty love, however. That Melana woman is a bit of an oddball as well, did you know? She is... almost selfish, really, though she seems to put up a nice enough facade. I can't help but wonder if maybe she isn't as nice as she pretends...

Maybe I'm just imagining things... or it might just be that Sularenth's bossy tendencies make it seem like it's Melana's personality as well. Who knows? I have enough to worry about with just Danovelith to worry so much over her sister's rider... but I still can't help it; I worry for Mavros. Would they still be the same if they were the Senior Weyrpair?

... Faranth, would we be the same as the Senior Weyrpair?

[Rhush]

Mid Summer, T4, M7 [10th Pass]

Dear Journal,

It's been two months now, since my arrival at Mavros and subsequent impression to gold Danovelith. She is growing well, and becoming more and more beautiful by the day. I suspect she will be a smaller queen, but positively lovely despite this minor detail. She is so wonderful, you know, so sweet and gentle, if a touch vain sometimes.

Mmm... as I write this she is telling me she is not vain, merely concerned. I think she believes she is so beautiful, she has to look pretty at all times; she agreed with me just then. That is vanity, after all, or narcissism even. She is sulking a little now, but it isn't becoming of a queen, she says, to sulk openly. Sometimes I wonder if Sularenth is aware of this.

It's amazing to think that only a few short fortnights ago Danovelith was still in her shell, and I did not believe I would ever impress. I understand now what the other riders told me-- I can hardly imagine my life without Danovelith nitpicking in the back of my mind.

And yes, despite her protests, she is a bit of a nitpick.

[Rhush]

Late Summer, T4, M8 [10th Pass]

Dear Journal,

I know I am early in writing this month, but a lot has happened in the past two sevendays that I feel the need to write about them now instead of later. To begin, we had a rather ridiculous weyrling lesson involving walking blindfolded up a cliff; while I understand the concept of strengthening the rider-dragon bond by allowing your dragon to guide you up the slope, I do wish there had been railings on the side where it simply dropped off into sheer rock face...

I must confess, I have a form of acrophobia - I am terrified of falling, not of heights themselves; I can fall into panic attacks simply by being picked up. Oddly specific, yes, but there you go. Were Danovelith not there to support me, I likely would have plunged off the side and broken several bones, not to mention have been scarred for live. I thank Faranth everyday that I have her around to keep me alive.

Oh, and then there was the greenrider incident... Danovelith doesn't quite remember it anymore, but as she delves into my mind she too feels upset about that meeting. I can't say I am as upset over her outburst as to my leadership capabilities and the consequential black eye I received as I am over her own personal problems. The woman is so enmired in what she feels is a personal slight-- having impressed green and not gold-- that she seems to even regret her bonded! Her vendetta against the world, and by extension, the dragon, that snatched her dreams of ruling Mavros away is terribly sad.

Danovelith is preoccupied with the string of things the woman called me, but I can't say I blame her-- I am not even born of her precious Mavros, and yet I impressed a Mavros queen; a beastcrafter, a herder, raised in dirt and treated similarly, a reject of my previous society...

I still wonder why Danovelith chose me.

[Rhush]

Mid-Winter, T4, M12 [10th Pass]

Dear Journal,

I know I am ridiculously late in writing this entry, but things have been a touch hectic for the past several fortnights - between weyrling lessons, goldrider lessons, chores, and taking care of Danovelith (She is now over thirty feet long, can you believe it?!) I haven't had the energy to write at the end of the day - only to sleep. I mean, it isn't that bad - I enjoy being busy. Danovelith claims that she is not that much work; I suppose she is right... but I think if she didn't have to have a sixth bath, I might have time to write.

She is pouting a little now, though she says she isn't. She is so adorable, you know?

Beyond working more than I can ever remember in my lifetime as of late, though, things have been quite fun. Dano has been an ever present light in my life, and though her sister now takes up about half of the barracks and the other dragonets are quickly becoming cramped, she has been ever cheery about the situation.

... Though she will never admit to getting stuck in the doorway once or twice. She is far too slim. Sularenth is the one who actually got stuck, of course, being as large as she is. Any way, I am off to bed - my candle is going out, and I have to be up early to give Dano her first bath of the day. Good night.

[Rhush]

Early Winter, T5, M1 [10th Pass]

Dear Journal,

At last Danovelith and I were able to participate in our first manned flight; Danovelith did beautifully, as always, and did very well handling my weight. Not that I expected her to have much difficulty carrying me--she is a good 36 feet long now. My minuscule size should be nothing for her to handle. It was elating to get to fly at last, despite my initial terror at being so high above the ground... falling from that height would be a guaranteed painful experience... Danovelith is assuring me that she will never let me fall off her back, something I am entirely grateful for.

I still worry for Liesol though; the poor thing was so terrified she couldn't even allow Hawedith to take off during the lesson. I wasn't aware she had a fear of heights... it's strange to have a friend as close as Liesol, but still not know everything she fears or loves. Perhaps I will do some digging and see if I can't find something to cheer her up. We have our weyrs now, and though Sularenth and Melana's snoring keeps me up at night, it will make it easier to go visit Liesol without having to worry about Danovelith fitting into the barracks again.

[Rhush]

Early Winter, T5, M2 (10th Pass)

Dear Journal,

I saw A'zael in the lower caverns today; for once he was eating his lunch outside of his Weyr! It was something of a surprise, really, that he came and sat with me though; I didn't think we were much more than acquaintances. It was a nice lunch though. We chatted about his work as Weyrleader, my lessons and watching Danovelith grow up, and other things. He was charming, to say the least.

I just let him needle me a lot though, poor guy. He was so tired, you could see it, and something was weighing very heavily on his shoulders. He just really needed a chance to relax; and I'm glad he did, finally. I'm not sure what I said, or even if it was because of something I said, but he seemed so much less anxious by the end of our conversation. It was like... like that weight had lifted. I have to say, I do hope that he does decide to play the gitar for me some time. That would be a nice reprieve from the stresses of weyrlinghood... and it would be interesting to see just how many ladies will come around if he starts playing. He is something of a handsome man, after all, and women seem to love dark-haired, handsome bronzeriders - especially if they sing.

I would like to hear him sing, certainly... but I think I want to hear him laugh more. He has such a nice laugh...

Danovelith is prodding me now; she says he likes me, and thinks I like him. I think she is just projecting her like for his dragon into his like for me and my like for him. I mean... he flirted a bit with me (which is pretty normal for A'zael, from what I've been told)... but I was surprised to hear him say he had wanted to talk to me specifically. It was... almost like he had missed me. Hmm...

Danovelith is smirking, I can feel it. What would she know about such things though? She hasn't been around long enough to really know, right? And... I don't think he likes me... I think it's just... a budding friendship. After all; why would the Weyrleader take an interest in me like that? I'm nothing special, and A'zael doesn't seem like the type to be extra friendly with goldriders just because they're goldriders... I don't know. I suppose I'm overthinking things again. Danovelith agrees.

We'll just have to see.


((Extra note: Bought Empath 1 token, will start to slowly take effect following this thread.))

[Rhush]

Early Winter, T5, M2 (10th Pass)

Dear Journal,

I noticed something recently, and just felt the need to write it down, as it was... strange.

You know, I've always had something of a talent for telling what other people are feeling; really, it's just been that I've noticed little things, like posture, expression, eye light (that is, how dark or light the eyes appear; they really are windows to the soul, you know!), and their tone. It's not an art to figure these things out, it's just... paying attention. People commonly broadcast these little shows of emotion without realizing it... and anyone can read them, you just have to learn which cues mean what emotion, which takes some time, and...

No, I didn't study people to pick this up, I just... grew up with outgoing people and more closed off people. You learn to understand them, and eventually what they do seems similar to what someone else does, until you can basically infer what most anyone is feeling. We all communicate similarly, after all.

Danovelith is confused now, I'll try to explain it later to her. She likes this concept though, even if it is confusing.

But, the other day, I shook hands with someone who seemed entirely friendly and happy; they were smiling, speaking politely, and generally being kind. They didn't even give me that... that feeling, the one that your gut gets when something is amiss. But... I shook hands with them, and suddenly I felt... was it smug? It was almost like I had done something... wrong, but hadn't been caught. I could feel that feeling in my gut then, that something wasn't right. After they left, the feelings left...

I didn't... I wasn't feeling their emotions, was I? Danovelith is telling me not to be silly. She says that of course I feel more feelings than my own- I can feel her feelings. This is true... but she didn't have a reason to feel smug, or like she had gotten away with something bad- Danovelith never wants to do anything bad. I don't know... I probably just imagined it, as some side effect of my difficulty with trust... but then...

I don't know. I had just about decided this person was worth trusting... hmm. Maybe it's just my gut feeling? Yeah, Danovelith thinks that's it - even though she doesn't know what a "gut feeling" is. I'll have to explain that too.

[Rhush]

Early Winter, T5, M3 (10th Pass)

Dear Journal,

The other day I met up with A'zael again, in the lower caverns. He seems to have a penchant for appearing there when I am there. He was practicing his gitar - he had promised to play for me the last time I saw him, but... this wasn't what I had imagined.

There were so many people. So, so many people. It made it difficult to focus on A'zael, to admire his playing and simply enjoy his company. I... I have never had such an issue with people before. They were all just enjoying his playing too, but... it was like every other woman there did not want me there; like I was constantly in the spotlight. I didn't even see half of them, but I kept getting these weird feelings of jealousy, indignation... and they kept whispering things, journal, quietly enough that I could hear them, but A'zael couldn't. I was so worried, so worried that he would catch on, that some kind of conflict would ensue... I didn't know what to do, I couldn't come up with any way to stop the feelings, the whispers...

I was glad Frisk stopped him from playing. The crowd dispersed, and I was able to relax. I needed to relax. Maybe I'll buy A'zael a guitar... one of his own, you know? We'll see how it goes. I should have more than enough marks laying around somewhere...

I am still not sure how I feel about him being so deadset on serenading me... it's... it's almost embarrassing, but it's extremely flattering too. I don't know... he makes me happy, so... I suppose I shall humor him.

We went back to his weyr later, journal. It was... nerve-wracking at first, then extremely amusing. We arrived to find a little girl (she had to be six or seven) conversing with Fath. That was quite a surprise, and what was even more surprising was to find out the child was A'zael's. Who knew he was a father? The poor guy was so shocked, he didn't know what to do with himself. I couldn't help but laugh when the little girl put him in his place so much, but I did feel bad. Maybe I should apologize for teasing him so...

Who am I kidding, I enjoyed being the teaser rather than the teasee for a while. Wouldn't you? We returned the child to her mother and then said good night, so he could... catch up and get himself back in order, chatting with Azora's mother. I have to admit, I was a little... jealous. Maybe Azora was right - maybe I am in love with A'zael...

[Rhush]

Winter, T5, M4 (10th Pass)

Dear Journal,

What am I doing? I invited A'zael and Fath to visit with Danovelith and I at this hotpool we found in the redwoods... it was nerve-wracking at first, when they landed, because, well... I am still self-concious, you know, and I had stripped to my skivvies so I could swim... And then I don't know what came over me, maybe it was just because I have grown so used to A'zael, or that I'm used to just meeting his teasing and trying to one-up it...

Whatever it was, I ended up half-naked in his arms and ridiculously embarrassed. He called me beautiful, and then my eyes beautiful, journal. I... I mean, I'm a little pleased he- he thinks I'm beautiful, but still... I'm not that beautiful, am I? But then... He did something else journal. He kissed me... Like, like full on the lips, and I was so embarrassed, but it all was gone in this like, flash of excitement and pleasure and just... Happiness. He... he made me so happy... I think I do love him...

Even though I ended up in the infirmary afterward because of something... something weird. Or "heat exhaustion", according to the infirmary. Whatever. Moving on.

At every turn he surprises me, journal. Danovelith thinks it's silly that he is taking so long to court me, but I don't know if that's even what he wants. If makes me worry. Obviously, since Danovelith and I are still weyrlings, things have to be taken slow or not at all... I suppose that would account for the time taken... but honestly, is he trying to court me? Does... does he want to be weyrmates? Or is it just that he sees me as a challenge to conquer? I mean... I'm at least the third woman he's gotten involved with in some way. I have no idea how many partners he's really had besides the two I've met - Mollin and Orana, both of whom have children with him that he is trying to keep in touch with...

It's almost sad to watch, really, especially since he's the weyrleader. He has so little time to give, but he still gives it to these lovely children and their mothers... If he didn't visit with me, he'd have more time with his kids, wouldn't he? Maybe... maybe that's the best course of action then... at least for now. He needs the extra time he's been giving to me for them and for his work... it stings, thinking about that, and Danovelith says I really shouldn't make this anymore complicated than it is...

But wouldn't it just be easier if we didn't see each other as much? Maybe after graduation, when Danovelith and I are fully fledged riders... maybe that will be a better time for A'zael and I to figure out what it is we want from each other. After all... he doesn't have much of a track record for permanent relationships... and I'm not sure I could take the heart ache again.

I guess we'll see. At least it's helped to think about the situation and organize my thoughts. It's so easy to get swept up in his life, you know...

Actually, I should probably go check on Azora. I think I heard her mother was in the infirmary... I wonder what's wrong...

[Rhush]

Late Summer, T5, M7 (10th Pass)

Dear Journal,

I... I swear I've lost my mind - I'm hoping writing this out will help... especially since I haven't written in a while. You see... even Danovelith can't imagine what has been going on with me - it's normal for me to feel her emotions and feelings - but I know it's abnormal to feel someone else's. I... I have been grappling with this for months now. I could never decide if it was just like... a gut feeling, you know, like reading someone as I always have been able to, but now I know for sure. I... I can feel other people's emotions.

Faranth, and here I thought I had finally gotten past my problems with internalizing conflict and pain... now I can feel everyone else's instead. It's... I don't know what to do. I even went to A'zael to... to try and sort this out, like some kind of sounding board. What... What am I? Am I honestly an empath? But... How did that happen? I mean... I always was good at reading people but... This is crazy. Crazy! What do I do?!

(More pending the writing of the thread in question.)